It was an ordinary afternoon, the weather was hotter than yesterday, the air was filled with the smell of sweat and cooking smoke, the streets were still crowded with people, and it seemed that nothing special happened. However, for me, at that moment, the whole world seemed to become blurred. Sitting in the office, I looked up and looked at the traffic outside the window. Suddenly, I felt that these busy people seemed to be running desperately for an invisible goal, but they didn’t know where they were going.
My name is Ma Fei, and I am a small screw in this city. I clock in on time every morning and get off work on time at night. Life seems to be an endless cycle. Occasionally, I will go to the bar with my colleagues to drink some wine, chat some gossip, and make some jokes. It seems that everyone is trying to find a reason to live in this city. However, I know in my heart that many times, I don’t understand my life, and I don’t even know what I am busy with every day.
Xiao Zhao is my colleague and the only person in our office who can make me feel a little fun. She speaks directly and never hides her emotions, which often makes people around her feel that she is a little elusive. But I know that she is actually a person who lives a very hard life in this city. She is looking for a place to take a breath every day, but she is always trapped in various difficulties, as if no matter how hard she tries, she can’t get out of this vicious circle.
That night, we drank together. The music in the bar was a bit harsh, but Xiao Zhao didn’t seem to hear it and kept talking. I know that she is not talking to me, but to herself. Her voice became more and more excited, and her emotions became more and more out of control: “Do you know? What are we all doing? We work and live every day, but in the end we find that life doesn’t know how to reward us at all, but drags us away. Everyone is busy like a headless fly, but can’t find the direction or the exit.”
I was stunned for a moment, looking at her somewhat out of control, and I actually understood what she said in my heart. Yes, life is so confusing. No matter how hard you try to adapt to it and pursue its meaning, it seems that it has never stopped testing your soul. Every day you are constantly struggling to “live better”, but what exactly is this “better”? Is it a promotion and salary increase? Is it owning a luxury car? Or can you travel a few times and live a seemingly easy life?
Sometimes, I even feel that we are not living our true selves. We live for the eyes of others and pursue so-called success for the standards of others. In this long journey, we have long lost our independent thinking and true feelings. However, life is still forcing us to move forward, forcing us to leave our footprints on this barren land.
Xiao Zhao’s voice became louder and louder, as if she wanted to say all her thoughts: “Do you feel that we have been waiting for something? Waiting for life to give us a little reward, waiting for those seemingly beautiful days to fall from the sky. However, all this seems to be just fantasy, and we seem to have never received any real rewards in this world.”
I lowered my head and looked at the half-cup of cold beer on the table, with an indescribable sense of emptiness in my heart. I once had a dream, and I once thought that I would definitely find my place in this world. However, as time passed, I began to understand that this world does not belong to anyone. It is just an absurd stage, and we are just small characters in it, rubbing and colliding with each other, and finally falling silent.
Sometimes I think that if I give up everything, leave this city, and go to a place where no one is, maybe I can find a little peace and a long-lost freedom. However, in the end I know that I will return to this place, to those familiar streets and crowds. Because we are used to this noisy life and have become the product of this city. Even if we keep complaining, it is still our home.
Xiao Zhao finally stopped talking and stared at me blankly, as if waiting for me to give her an answer. But what answer do I have? Like her and the world, I live in a mess, full of questions, but can’t find a clear way out.
I sighed and tried to comfort her: “Maybe, life is like this. We always long for some changes and long to be different, but in fact, each of us is making a silent compromise with life. It challenges us and makes us suffer, but it also provides us with a reason to continue living. Perhaps it is this feeling of having no outlet that makes us feel that we are still alive.”
She didn’t answer, but just took a sip of wine silently, as if thinking about something. The lights in the bar were still dim and the music was still noisy, but I felt that the air between us became particularly heavy.
We stopped talking, just sat quietly, like two silent wanderers, looking for a trace of our own tranquility in the hustle and bustle of this city.